I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize