I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
