I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
