Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
