just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
