so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
