I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
