wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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