If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
