sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
