Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
