I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
