I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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