Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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