I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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