I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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