Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
