i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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