You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
