areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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