this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it's like iHOP with fire
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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