My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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