Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
