2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
