Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
