so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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