i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
