just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
