I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize