she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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