when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
