I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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