I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
