I think i peed on brittanys purse
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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