he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Text me some of your sweat
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