dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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