Apparently you make a good broom.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
