the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
