Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
