I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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