the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
