bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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