Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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