So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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