i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
they need to just BURY HIM!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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