my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
