i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
