I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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