I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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