Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
