I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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