you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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