He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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