Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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