the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
