I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
