note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
