i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
