He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
