if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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