tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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