I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
