My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
