you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
